Paddy’s day – a day of pulling sickies to drink dangerous levels of alcohol and show Michael Collins how glad you are that he made a treaty or something to rid the 32 counties of all its snakes.
Sure why not, give it a go get yourself a green Guinness and pose for pictures with Chinese tourists in your leprechaun outfit just to show your pride in the motherland.
Here are five types of Paddy you can watch out for this March 17th.
- The Patriotic Irish
The patriotic Irish will have dusted off their grandfather’s Luke Kelly albums while the New Year was rung in and began to plan their sesh for the day of reckoning. This form of weekend republican will know Gerry Adams on a first name basis by the end of the night and he will have been Michael Collins’ great grandson’s first dog’s trainer. He’ll lurk around pubs with the lads all day before pissing his last fiver up against the front window of the local chipper before returning home to spew his ring for the next eight days while the regret slowing starts to creep in.
- The Sesh-All-Week Irish
This is the Irish man or woman that will not leave the barstool for the week of St. Patrick’s Day, they won’t be able to tell you their first name but they’ll know their celebrating for the patron saint of alcoholism and sheep shearing. God bless him anyway. They will ride off the good nature of American tourists who will be amazed by their aran jumper and bushy grey beard.
- The Pissed Off Parent Irish
A long morning getting parked for the parade and trying to take a photo of little Mary dressed as blow-up Kim Kardashian is sure to have pissed off a few parents by the time they’ve hit the pub. This will usually end in the husband downing Carlsburg by the keg, three screaming children being fed Taytos and Pink Snacks, and one very angry wife who will wake up with a black eye the next morning. We all know them, they exist in every pub in Ireland on every Paddy’s day, but that’s the spirit of it all.
- The Young Wans On The Piss Irish
The most particularly annoying aspect of St. Patricks day is the fear that a gang of young wans will interrupt your early-bird minker drinking. They usually come armed with cans of Bulmers and half-sized mini-skirts that wouldn’t fit a new born child. They’re loud, messy and usually smell like shite as they have been dressed and waiting for this sesh since the teenage disco last month, rocking back and forth as they plan excuses on their whereabouts for unconcerned parents.
- The English Lad Who Claims He’s Irish, Irish
In every small village around the country and every crevice of a city street there’s a strange man with a thick English accent claiming he’s Irish. You should always be cautious when you’re approached by these wide-eyed, skint-head, double chinned con artists. They may be wearing an Ireland Jersey but it probably still has the tag on it. Many say these lads are spies for MI5, others say they’re robots working for Boris Johnson but nobody really knows.
So take it easy this Paddy’s day and remember: If you don’t pass out you’re not having enough fun.
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